Saturday, August 23, 2014

50 Shades of Silence: for married women

There is probably not even one person who hasn't heard of the mommy-porn book/ upcoming movie of the infamous, Fifty Shades of Grey.  And while I've read several noteworthy blog posts and articles on the subject, not even one of them has been written by a female--let alone a conservative, Christian female.

And I thought about writing it, but then I had several problems with writing it.

First off-- an entire blog post about sex.. kinda awkward considering my own kids are like.. young adults.. and their friends.. and all that hoooo haaa .. "Mrs. Webber writes about sex.."

Secondly-- do I want people to think I have actually read the book? "Mrs. Webber reads porn.."

Thirdly-- do I feel qualified to discredit a book/ theory/ a concept that I can not and will not read?
"Mrs. Webber writes about stuff that she hasn't even read.."

And then finally--  what will.. like.. everybody.. think???  "Dang! We need to pray for the Webbers.."

All of that aside, I'm going to tell you story.

All my stories are theoretical, of course.  But let's just say this could have happened.

A friend and I were talking.  In this conversation she had a confession to make..

My friend: "I've been struggling with lust.."

My response: "Oh no..  another man?  You have feelings for a man that is not your husband?"

My friend: "No.  I've been lusting after my husband..."

My response: "So.. you are telling me.. that.. you are wanting your husband.. sexually?"

My friend: "yeah.. is that bad?"

 My response: "Does he know this?"   

So, suffice it to say, (after I straightened her out) I think he was in for a treat.

And you laugh.  Because it is funny.  But it is just the tip of the iceberg of how "screwed up" (horrible pun) the views of sex are.

We, in the church, are enshrouded by the 50 shades of silence.  The one positive outcome of nonsense like Fifty Shades is it somehow has highlighted the fact that women have sexual needs.  Good grief. Who knew?  But polite people in polite circles..just do not talk about such things.  And I agree.

The last thing you want to talk about in mixed company is stuff like this.

But I am going to attempt to bust out of some this silence.. a little.  Don't worry. No graphic details. No instructions.  Just a bit of encouragement.

But someone reading this is being tempted. They are too busy to "work on" their relationship with their husband, and 50 Shades solution seems to be the answer.  Wrong. and so wrong.

And here's why.. in no particular order.

1. Your husband needs to learn the lessons that only he can learn by being your hero in this way.
Yes, it is difficult for everyone.  But it is not impossible.  You need to teach him how to work with you, and he will figure it out.  And he will love bringing you pleasure more than you can imagine.

2. You need for your husband to be what brings you pleasure--not some strange book.  Your feelings for him will increase, and they are all wrapped up in this process.  Women are like spaghetti. It's all tangled up--including sex. Your ability to receive this pleasure will grow over time.  Believe it or not. The older you get, the more confident you are.. the better everything is.

3. God has given this as a gift for married couples to enjoy.  He designed it, and this is the right time and place.  You are married, and that is what you give each other.

4. God made you this way.  It's normal. It's good.  There is nothing to fear. For you, selfishness is going to be manifest by holding back and withholding.

5. God made him this way also.  It will take him a few years to actually fight his selfish side also.  But he will learn to pace things to your liking.  It's important for you to not criticize his efforts.  It's a process and not easy sometimes.

So, yeah.. I'm breaking one of the shades of silence.. call me out on this, if you need to.  And I apologize if this is read by someone other than my intended audience: married women.  I have no control over who reads a public blog.

For those of you who are struggling with this part of your relationship, I'm praying for you.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Honestly Satirical

This is an actual Facebook message I got this week: (Completely unedited)

Hello dear, How are you doing? You look very beautiful, gentle and nice..... please, Can i be your friend? which country exactly are you from.....? I am David Mark,an American citizen Army serving in Kabul, Afghanistan, I saw your profile and sincerely wish to know you better and would like to have a good relationship with you,please reply me for more future communication. I will tell you more about myself when I receive your reply. I have to move to my duty now because am getting late,i am on night duty, i will tell you more about me as soon as am back from duty................ Good night...... I wait for your reply.

I am sure this is "completely" legit.  So, here's how I plan to respond.

Dearest Mark John,

That is your real name, isn't it?  I think two American first names squashed together sound completely normal, so I have no reason to be suspicious of you, your inquiry, or your request.

So, I'll try my best to answer your inquiry. 

Hello dear, How are you doing? You look very beautiful, gentle and nice..... please, Can i be your friend?

I am fine, dear.  I am really beautiful, gentle and nice.  You can ask my husband.  I doubt he'll be interested in having you be my friend.  I appreciate you not calling me "hot" or sexy or anything disrespectful, especially because I am probably a good 10 or 15 years older than you.  At least from your profile pic, which seems legit.

I am David Mark,an American citizen Army serving in Kabul, Afghanistan, I saw your profile and sincerely wish to know you better and would like to have a good relationship with you,please reply me for more future communication.

Well, Mr. Mark, I am not sure how one person is an entire army, let alone a citizen army.  Here again, I am not doubting your sincerity, but I do wonder how someone of your rank in the U.S. services has obtained such a caucasian appearance without learning English syntax and grammar usage.  Baffling.
It almost seems like google translator has failed you or something.  Nah.  Here again, I'm going with my gut instinct-- and that is--that you are completely legit.

which country exactly are you from.....? 

I know that you are expecting me to say that I'm an American.  But really?  I'm a Serbian refugee.  I'm really not even female.  Don't be shocked.  I know.  It's bad.  I hacked into somebody's photo account and swiped a picture of a beautiful, gentle, and nice looking woman.  I was hoping she had money.  I hope you have money.  Because I am trying to attract "worthy investors" just like you.  Please tell me that you are really American and have money.  Oh please...!!  

As it is, my friends and I huddle around the computer, swiping photos of whomever and whatever.. and send out mass emails and Facebook requests just hoping for some gullible person to bite.  
It's a hard living, but somebody's got to do it.  Without hackers and stalkers in this life, the normal people might just feel like they're living on their private utopia or something.  Really! 

Well-- I am sure you will find what you are looking for.  I guess this has been a short but meaningful online friendship, however awkward.   


the nameless Serbian refugee..  aka.. "Jena" in the public profile world

Monday, July 28, 2014

Bucket LIST

On the way home tonight, I thought about my bucket list.  I couldn't think of any place I needed to visit, or any degree I needed to get, or any title that I had to have in order to make my life complete.  What came to me were these other things.  And the more I thought about them, the more I wanted to write them down.  We all need a bucket list of some sort.  So, without further ado..

my bucket list...

1) To actually write a good book..  I am not talking about one of these self-published do-it-yourself  K-mart specials.  If I do write a book, it will be something of significance--something that will clearly outlive me.  If it isn't that good, then it doesn't need to be published.  And that is fine with me.  But either way, I will write.

It always baffles me when people get all worked up about "being a writer".  I don't want to be known as a writer.  I want to be known as a passionate person who couldn't help but write.  The writing was just a by-product--an overflow of the heart.  It's not the thing itself.  That seems silly to me.

 2) To rescue a child..  I'm not sure how this will happen, but I doubt it will be in the swimming pool or flying out of a helicopter.  What I mean by rescue a child is that a child of some sort will find refuge in our home.  I'm not really sure how that will happen, but I think I will know when it does.  No doubt you will hear about it.

3) To usher someone into heaven..  When someone.. not sure who.. is on their final approach that I would help them find God if they do not know him.  If they know him, I will watch the flight happen with the peace and restfulness that they will be with God soon. I would like to be on the side that says "life" as they get to the other side that says "God"..  I can't think of anything more life-changing than that.  And in my 45 years of living, I have never been there for that scene.

4) To witness the birth of a love story..  To see a young couple go from not knowing each other to truly loving one another.. is something I would like to see happen in my lifetime.  I guess.. I would like to see it happen to someone--especially when they least expect it or thought that love was beyond them. And I want to somehow be on the observation end--not the matchmaking end of it.

5) To empty my wallet..  Some day--in complete faith--I would love to dump everything I own into the offering plate, without fear or care about what will happen next.  I know the widow gave her two mites, but this seems so heroic.. So out there. (This is probably the scariest one so far)

6) To pray all night..  just once.

And this next one is the biggie..

7)To be martyred.    Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I would love to die heroically.

(not today or anything..) But when my time comes, I want to die for the cause of Christ.  And I want to die without fear.  No, I am not suicidal.  No, I don't want to die young.  Yes, there's a lot of problems with this one, but really.. ?   This is how I want to die.  Everyone wants to be raptured, and I get it.  But for me? This is my first choice.

And if you are reading and are completely perplexed, let me assure you, that this is not a new thought for me.  I am completely at peace with it.  And I have absolutely no reason for fear.  Christ has paid the ransom for my sins, and I am more than assured of my eternal destiny.  Christ has provided a way of salvation.  I have received it.  Dying-- the process of dying--especially if it is dragged out and painful-- is scary to me.  But death itself--  is not scary because I have Christ.